... but do you jump back on or let the entire convoy run over you?!
HELLO CRAZY WORLD!
So... It's be awhile. Like a long while.
Sorry about that.
Where to start? Well... Jameson is now over 13 months old! Yes you heard me, I have a 1 year old! He's quite the toddler. Runs, yells, eats, climbs, wrestles, jabbers, and still snuggles. He's quite the awesome little handful.
Nic deployed to Africa for 6 months back right before Christmas. So happy he has been back for a week now though. Honestly it hasn't been hard to readjust so far, but we will see what I saw about that in a month when he is on leave and home 24/7.
Me... Yeah about that.
I lost myself for awhile there. Like really lost myself. Lost my marbles. Lost my sanity.
Surprising lost zero hair though.
The last year has been a rough one for me to say the least. I put on a pretty good front, but mentally I was a hot messed basket case. I think a few noticed I was a little off, but not sure that anyone realized how lost I was in myself.
Becoming a new parent will take it's toll on you of course. Some worse than others. Jameson is a great, smart, good toddler. But he is also a clingy handful. I cant say I blame him when his best friend/daddy leaves when he is 6 months old for deployment. I cant even imagine what went through his head when daddy didn't come home. He is a very attached and affectionate little boy. This is great for snuggle time but makes for a rough time to do anything without him constantly attached to my leg or sides. Blessed are the moms that get their space to do things while baby entertains themselves/sleeps. Jameson will do his own thing for very short amounts of time... This is usually the time I can get the knives out of the dish washer before he comes and climbs into the dish washer to empty the rest out onto the floor. Or clean half a bottle. Or enough time to start making something to eat before he velcros himself to my leg and I end up burning my breakfast. This is an EVERYDAY ALL DAY thing, just not here and there. Or I'm lucky enough to get to eat half of my meal before he disrupts me for so long I just give up on trying to eat.
Now don't get me wrong. I love him to the moon and back a 1000000000 times, but mom's still need their space to breathe, do their own things. Sadly he doesn't allow me to do much of that.
I got to the point where I just wouldn't do anything I wanted bc it would get stalled, stopped, and/or forgotten. Add in cabin fever bc of crappy weather, deployed husband....
I very much lost myself.
I didn't want to do anything of my interests anymore. I had a craft table that wasn't touched until about a month ago. I was tired, frustrated, lonely, depressed, and bored. I let my mind go to no where. I just floated along from day to day not caring. Anyone who knows me even slightly knows this is NOT me. I try to have life, laughs, and energy. I should have gone to the DR and gotten help of some sort. I know that and told myself that way more often than I should admit. I didn't though. I just didn't care. I didn't care about doing the daily chores. I mean I never let my house get unlivable, but there would be 3 dish washer loads needing to be done before I would do anything. I seriously didn't fold any of my laundry from March to June until the week Nic came home. I didn't play with Jameson close to as much as I should have.... I felt guilty for not doing so, but never really did anything about it.
I hit rock bottom mentally more than once. I would bounce back for a week then just fall back into a horrible deep depression. I neglected my mind. I let myself become just a body doing the things it had to in order to get to the next day. My creative soul just died on me. It didn't want to inhabit my brain anymore.
I look back and know I should have handled everything so differently. I should have gotten help of some sort. I should have ask for help from friends to slap me and wake me out of the dark fog. I should have been more honest with everyone. I did tell Nic on more than one occasion that I was just a mess, but I don't know that I could let him know just how big of a one I was when he had a deployment to worry about getting out of the way and getting home. I tried to find my faith again by going to a women's bible study. I loved going and it gave me something to look forward to, but daily I'm still trying to be closer to God only to go to bed realizing I failed the second I got out of bed and not letting him cross my mind once during the day. I told myself and Nic constantly that we are going to find ways to work on our marriage, only to not open up and talk to each other still.
Tomorrow always became tomorrow, instead of today and now. I let the entire convoy of wagons, cattle, horses and those on feet trample over me before getting up at the end to realize everything was gone and out of sight.
I'm still not close to where I need to be mentally, but I did find the convoy again and I'm running as fast as I can to jump on to the wagon at the end. Will I go get the help I need? I'll work on it. Being able to write this an admit out loud that I need to get it together is big to me. I know I needed a kick in the rear, but maybe this will be the steel toed boot I need.
Slow down wagon!
Carrie Danilla Linn
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